Are we "airbrushing reality" when we say women can have it all?

In April, I published a post entitled “I’ve had it with being too busy. Who’s with me?” 

Turns out, a lot of you are. A lively commentary ensued with the majority of readers commiserating.

While productivity certainly has its rewards, being overly busy gives us the sense that we are missing something. It knocks us off balance.  I’ve long felt that “balance” is elusive.  We may think we’re pulling it off, but are we consistently engaging with people and projects in the way that we desire and that makes our experiences meaningful? “Harmonizing” our lives, as Sheila Moeschen of HerSelf First puts it, feels more attainable, healthier. The problem is that career, family and personal harmony is only as possible as our society will allow.

I promised a follow-up to my earlier blog. Today I bring that to you in the form of what will likely be a controversial statement, a statement that goes against everything you’ve heard for the past several decades. Are you ready? Here goes:

Women CAN’T have it all.

I have a friend who routinely says this to me. At first, I disagreed, like many of you possibly.  But over time, I’ve come to realize that there is some truth in her statement.

My friend’s view is that today’s generation of women has been fed a fallacy since girlhood. 

Whether it’s come from society or a tampon commercial or your own mother, throughout your lifetime, you’ve probably heard the phrase, “Women can have it all.” And if your mother told you this, believe me, she meant well. She was excited that you would have more opportunities than she did. She was proud to see you become a career woman AND a mother AND a wife AND a volunteer…AND AND AND.  Indeed, these are wonderful freedoms and roles for which I am deeply grateful.

Where, then, is the fallacy? 

What none of us factored in was that while we’ve made it impressively clear that we can DO it all, that does not mean that we are doing it all WELL. Not all at the same time, at least. And when we don’t do it all well, we blame ourselves for not being a more productive employee, a more involved parent, a better housekeeper, etc.

In her recent piece in the Atlantic, Anne-Marie Slaughter calls the women-can-have-it-all mentality “airbrushing reality.”

When you feel “too busy,” do you also feel that you’re not being true to yourself? During a given week, how often do you feel you are reflecting your true self (your full potential, your most meaningful contributions) in ALL of your roles – wife, mother, professional, volunteer, CEO of the Home, etc. Can you relate the notion of an airbrushed reality?

I’m not saying women can’t have a lot. And maybe we CAN have it all. But are we engaged in each of our roles at a level that enriches our experiences and elevates our contributions? 

I can imagine a number of ways to mitigate the downsides of women being able to have it all, and they all center on taking more control over our schedules. I’m fortunate to have a job that allows me to work largely from home so that I can be with my children. While that can create a whole different kind of craziness, at least it increases my choices in the pursuit of harmony.

But as Slaughter illustrates in her article, it’s not up to us alone to find ways to control our schedules. There is a much greater force at play; more American businesses and organizations must make a shift that puts focus on “how we can help all Americans have healthy, happy, productive lives, valuing the people they love as much as the success they seek.”

Until then, I’m advocating for quality over quantity in our lives. It’s a step in the right direction. Say “no” when you need to; say “yes” when you want to. Trust your gut. Know when you are doing yourself – or the very thing to which you are committing your time and energy – a disservice because you are unable to fully engage. Give all of yourself to only a few things at a time. And make sure that your own health and sanity is one of those things.

Inspired Wining is an example of where I've gotten it just right. Take a close-knit group of women. Add a monthly gathering over wine. And top it off with the most significant service projects of my life – fighting a disease that is threatening my friend’s family while starting a movement among communities of women to find their own special group and cause. That’s how I’ve been able to capture a quality experience.

So, how about you? Do you think women (and even men, as Slaughter points out) can have it all? I invite you to read Slaughter’s article, if not in one sitting, then over time. I think you will find it a quality read as you ponder your own quality time. And by all means, please leave your comments. I’d love to hear from you. 

Summertime surrender

“I do not save time, I spend it. Time is the one thing you cannot save. Time is spent without even trying. Don't save time, use the time that you have wisely.” –Danielle Bath, caregiver and mother of three.   

Sixty seconds is all it takes to recharge, get an energy boost, or mentally, emotionally, and physically repair. At HerSelf First, “Make Friends with Time” is one of our Four Ingredients for Harmony, the four essential principles all moms/women/caregivers need to sustain their long-term wellbeing. As such, we created My Minute, a regular tip segment that offers easy ways to make your daily minutes work for you. The last thing anyone needs in our busy, over-scheduled, overly plugged-in lives are tasks added to our days. My Minute reinforces a model of working with the given time we all have over the course of the day to, ultimately, broker a new relationship to time that helps us to nurture and enhance our wellbeing.    


This week’s My Minute: Summertime Surrender  

Summertime is a season when schedules shift, priorities adjust, and the world literally seems a bit lighter. Yet many of us insist on plowing through these lackadaisical months at our usual break-neck pace, and before we know it the leaves are tinged with orange and the familiar rush and hurry routines of our busy lives are back in play. Why not try a different approach? This season, surrender to the natural rhythms and cues of summertime to recoup your energy, reengage with your friends and family, and reinvest in your well-being.


Play in the Rays: For those of us who would mainline that sunshiny Vitamin D if possible, the longer daylight hours are definitely a plus. Take advantage of those precious post-five-o’clock-punch-out rays by serving dinner in the backyard, patio or deck. Leave the laundry folding and other chores. Kick off your shoes and get outside.

Photo courtesy of S. Moeschen

Get in the Kiddie Pool: Not literally, or, o.k. maybe, go for it! By this, I mean, take a cue about summertime surrender from your kids. For them, every day is a blank canvas rife with endless possibilities. Play more, laugh a lot, be silly, take naps, have ice cream for lunch, spend more time simply spending time.


Lighten Up!: Everything about summer—longer, hotter days, lush blooms, leafy trees, lulling water scapes, open-toed shoes and lighter clothing—screams at us: “Slow down! Relax! Lighten Up! for Pete’s sake! Let’s not make her yell at us so much; lie on the grass, laze in the pool, ditch the sandals and walk barefoot on the beach. Surrender to summer.


About Dr. Sheila C. Moeschen, PhD. Sheila Moeschen is the Director of HerSelf First, a program sponsored by Parent Project Muscular Dystrophy that helps caregivers invest in their wellbeing on a regular basis. She holds an Interdisciplinary PhD. in Theatre & Gender Studies from Northwestern University. Her research and writing has appeared in Women’s Studies Journal, Disability Studies Quarterly, and The Huffington Post. She resides in Boston.

Unprepared

Yesterday, Inspired Wining got some great publicity in the Huffington Post thanks to supporter, Sheila Moeschen of HerSelf First.  I have to admit that I was on a high from the unexpected accolades and the hopes that Sheila's lauding will yield some new fans and supporters and will help us continue to grow and reach women all across the country.

My oldest son, Owen quickly sobered me up tonight when he asked if you could die from Duchenne.

I was watching a video about Charley's Fund, another organization who funds research for DMD.  Owen walked up and asked what I was watching.  After I told him it was a video about Duchenne, he blasts me with his question and I was totally unprepared.

I answered yes, you can die from Duchenne and explained as best I could why this was so.  Then, he asked if Matthew was going to die.  I think I said “Maybe.”  Owen said he hoped not.

Maybe?  Maybe?  I couldn't do any better than that?  I have been waiting for Owen to ask about Matthew's condition for years and finally it happens and I botch it.  This was not how I envisioned this going.  We were to be looking eye to eye, not at a computer screen.  My daughter was not supposed to be screaming for me in the background.  This was such an important moment and I come up with “Maybe.”

So he leaves, I cry and a few minutes later track him down in the bathroom and remind him that the races that we host every year are helping make Matthew better.  He nods eagerly and escapes.  After reading in bed, I ask Owen if he has any questions about Duchenne and he is quick to say no.  I lost my moment.

Right now, I feel broken.  Not only because I didn't react the way I had always planned, but because on the heels of a wave of a lot of positive movement, including Matthew's first participation in a clinical trial, a recent Inspired Wining launch in Charlotte and the new publicity, I am reminded that this isn't just about momentum and progress.  It is most of all about that little boy in the next room who has all of our hearts and is fighting the greatest fight there is and he doesn't even know it.

Ironically, I welcome this ache.  It is life-saving and healthy to be hopeful, but a little shot of reality is good, too.  I certainly never forgot the reason for all of our efforts, but I am refocused.  I imagine that just like in all parts of life, the scales will tip from time to time.  The cause will come calling again, but right now, I am going to concentrate on the peace that resonates from the three amazing creatures that sleep soundly down the hall.

Allison Wood Greiner is a high school French teacher, a founding member of Inspired Wining, and mother to three children, including Matthew, who has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy.